Is It You? Or Is It A Part Of You?

Strong emotions are part of the human experience. It’s one of the things that makes us humans actually human…our ability to sense, express and experience a range of feelings that go beyond the basics of existence.

But what do we do when those emotions start to take over? What if we start to take on the identity of those emotions? 

We know that a core leadership imperative is emotional regulation. That’s not to say you can’t feel the emotions, because all feelings are valid. You just need to be vigilant and intentional about keeping your agency to manage and regulate those emotions, especially in the presence of colleagues and team members. Whether it’s fair or not, remember that the camera is always rolling when you are a leader. It’s all there on display for others to see.

Regardless of how skilled and intentional we are in regulating our emotions, they still always have a potential to explode out of us. Like the break at a good surf spot, they build from seemingly calm water, rise from below with a growing strength and voracity, and then come crashing down with a massive boom and force.

When those emotional waves come crashing down, it can feel like our entire self is awash with those feelings and emotions.

But here’s the thing…you are not your emotions. 

From the learnings of Internal Family Systems, we know that you are (and always will be) your Self…an untouchable, unbeatable and unwavering identity that walks with you no matter what. Those emotions we feel are really just expressions of our Parts. 

We all have many, many Parts that travel with us through our lives. Most are Manager Parts that shield us from pain or discomfort, help us protect in tough times, and bring order when chaos is all around us. When activated the right way, they are balanced, collaborative, and trusted partners. But when burdened, Parts get in the way of allowing us to lead ourselves in our desired direction. They serve as a distraction, like a grinding voice that fills the space with noise and dissonance.

In this cycle, we can blend with our Parts. We take on their emotions and fold them into our own sense of Self. And then what often follows is we become hijacked and unable to act or move forward with any sense of confidence.

Look at the following words and see the difference:

“I am so frustrated with this project right now.”

…compare that expression with this…

“A part of me is feeling frustrated about this project right now.”

The first example is a complete takeover by the emotion. The second example creates objectivity and space from the emotion, while still being authentic to what’s being felt.

Here is a quick story about me to illustrate this idea. I have a very important and valued Worry Part. I’m really, really good at worrying, which formed early in my teens and continues with me today. I often joke with people that I’m the Michael Phelps of worrying! Not a day goes by that a worry-based thought doesn't weave its way into my inner narrative in some way.

What I’ve learned is to shift my language and self-talk to express this as, “A part of me is worried about…” which immediately establishes the space and perspective I need to work through it. I visualize that Worry Part, check in with it, understand what it’s trying to do or help me see, and then regulate it by asserting my rightful spot as the leader of my own system.

Every time we do this work, that Part gets to see how we’ve changed and grown. We need to manage our Parts as the people we are, not the people we were when they were formed. My relationship with my Worry Part transformed when I let it see that I’m a pretty wise, measured and positive dude who has made it through some pretty chunky moments of life and stayed upright. I’m more capable and more self-regulating than I was at 14 years old when that Worry Part established its first big presence in my life. 

So the next time you feel like an emotion starts to overwhelm you or keeps knocking on your door repeatedly, tell yourself “A part of me is feeling…” and see how that shapes your perspective.

Here are some questions you can start with to explore what’s going on and how to get back to Self so you can lead the way you were destined to lead.

Where do I feel this emotion in my body? 

Somatic exploration provides alot of clues and wisdom about what’s going on with our emotions. Once you can zone in on the area in your body that the emotion is hanging out, it makes it alot easier to regulate it and communicate with it.

How does this Part want to help me? 

Remember, all Parts are well intended and want to create good outcomes. They don’t wish or construct bad outcomes for us (unless we don’t manage them with our own self-advocacy). So listen for what the Part is trying to tell you and what it’s trying to accomplish on your behalf.

What does this Part need to hear from me right now?

This is where you take the wheel back and start driving the bus again. Thank the Part for showing you what you need to see, and tell it what’s really going on and how it can be more helpful. Put it to work in a way that supports you in finding the path to regulation and reset.

Our calling as leaders is to lead ourselves first and foremost, with an unwavering confidence and calm. That includes not allowing our emotions to run the show for us and always remembering that we are the leaders of our own systems.